Life is made up of relationships. Family, friends, work, the mailman, the grocery store clerk, etc…. Everywhere you turn, there are people! You need other people to thrive in any area of your life and the more you work on your own relationship skills, the more fulfilling they will be. Our journey in life is not meant to be traveled alone. Humans are made for connection. I know for myself, this is one of my top needs! Connection! I love connecting with all sorts of different people!
Sometimes it’s not all fun and games. Relationships take effort. And both people need to be putting in the work. Have you ever had a one sided relationship? DRAINING! They also make you feel like you’re unimportant and not worthy of the effort but that’s not true! We are all worthy! Relationships will also inevitably have conflict because there are two different people with different views coming together. This doesn’t have to be bad though. Hard conversation resolve conflict and deepen your connection. Are you reaching out to the other person, for companionship, for support, for anything or are they doing all the reaching out? Do you express your concerns when you feel like you have a one sided relationship to deepen the connection or do you let it go and not make yourself a priority?
A few months ago, I had a hard conversation with a friend of mine. She called me out on these very things! Were they true? Absolutely! I had hit a period of extreme busyness where I had a lot of things going on all at once. I hadn’t intentionally let my effort slip away, but she was right. That was on me. I could have easily told her that she wasn’t being considerate that I was busy and that she was needy. Blame is always about the ego though. Putting your ego aside requires a lot of vulnerability, which is not easy for everyone. I’ve done a lot of practice around vulnerability because I see the benefits it adds to my life and I try to choose it each time, regardless of how scary it is in the moment. I do this because I’ve retrained my brain to know that I will be ok no matter what happens. I took a deep breath, and agreed with her. Then I apologized for how my behaviour had made her feel, even though that hadn’t been my intent. Intent is irrelevant to perception. You can’t be aware of how someone else receives your behaviour unless they tell you. We aren’t mind readers! I know I definitely am not a mind reader. We all have different experiences that shape us and our perceptions and realities in life. Something that might feel very offensive to one person might not even matter to another. We then chatted about what was going on in my life, her friendship needs and how we could come to an arrangement that would work for both of us. I’m very grateful that she brought this up to me because I never would have known otherwise. I know that this was not easy for her and I’m really proud of her for doing this. Being able to express your feelings to another person and be vulnerable and then to be met with compassion and changed behaviour is something that deepens relationships. She even just mentioned to me this week that she was really glad that she had brought it up because it’s been so much better for her, and for me too to be honest, since we had that conversation. Was it hard and uncomfortable in the moment? Oh. My. God. Very much. But it was also worth it. Great relationships aren’t always easy. The closest relationships I have in my life, where I feel seen and heard as a person, are the ones where these hard conversations exist.
The more hard conversations you’re willing to have with people, the more successful and fulfilling relationships you will have. Being able to work through differences with others strengthens the bond. If someone ghosts you, ignores you, or dismisses your feelings when you tell them how their behaviour made you feel, that’s not about you, that’s about them. It’s about their unwillingness to reach for a deeper connection or take responsibility for themselves. The decision to avoid having a hard conversation with someone that matters to you is a choice. One that is detrimental to the relationship. It’s their ego getting in the way. So when someone trusts you enough to tell you how they made you feel, before your ego gets defensive, remember that it isn’t about you. This is about how they feel. And everyone’s feelings are valid and worth discussing.
Well said Val. Hard conversations are worth it when the person is a right fit for your life. I shared with my 12 yo and she said it was really good and asked how long you have been doing this. Can’t wait for the next insightful post.
Thanks for the feedback! I only started this week but I have a lot of insights to share!
Great post. I have learned about the ego this past year and have learned how to recognize it when its voice is louder than my higher self. Sometimes I don’t though, and my partner will recognize it and let me know by saying gently, “Can I run you a bath babe?” Which to me says, “I love you even when you’re being unreasonable, let me help you.”
I try not to regret things, but I do feel that my ego has destroyed many good relationships. I have had the hard conversations with friends and in my mind, voicing how I felt, should have deepened the relationship. However, I don’t think I was being authentic or gentle. Or compassionate. I was acting out from pain, my tone, my words were interpreted in a way I hadn’t intended them to be. I lost 30 year friendships. I drove them away. And since, I haven’t connected with people the same way until recently. The journey has been painful, but also triumphant. I’ve learned to stop comparing myself to others, accept who and where I am, quiet my ego, show compassion. And I’ve learned how to trust people again and not hold them at arms length waiting for them to hurt or abandon me. Thanks for your articles, I’m a fan and enjoy your stories, your openness, and your writing style. You’re an intelligent woman Valerie!