Your habits determine the type of life you have. People form habits in the different areas of their lives and this determines how successful they are in each area. Many people ignore certain areas of their lives until something happens that forces them to take a look at this area. Some examples of this are a health crisis, a job loss, a divorce, bankruptcy, etc. Your emotional habits are also very important in determining how successful you will be in the other areas of your life because they form the basis of how you feel and what you think. Below are a couple of common emotional reactions and healthier emotional responses and habits that will improve your life drastically.
What is your emotional response when a person disagrees with you? Do you outwardly express anger? Do you shut down emotionally? What have you told yourself that it means when someone disagrees with you? People are not meant to agree on everything. No two people will view the world the same. It’s how we manage these differences that will determine the success of our relationships. IMPORTANT NOTE: Please be aware that relationships take two people, so no matter what you do on your end, if the other person is not willing to do the same on theirs, it will not be as successful as you would like. For both of these emotional reactions above, the solution is the same.
- Recognize that you have been triggered and pause. When someone disagrees with you, before you outwardly express anger or shut down, recognize that this has caused you to emotionally react in the past. Take a moment to pause.
- Start telling yourself a new story about what it means to you when someone disagrees with you. What have you been telling yourself in the past that it means when someone disagrees with you? Do you tell yourself that your perspective is wrong? Do you internalize it as a personal attack on yourself? We each have our own perspectives based on our previous conditioning and experiences. No one is right or wrong. Both perspectives are valid, even if they are different.
- Utilize communication tools to resolve conflict. Communication consists of two main parts: being clear in what you say and actively listening to what the other person says. How to be clear: Say what you mean. Don’t expect someone else to read your mind or read between the lines. Be direct with your words. How to actively listen: Ask lots of questions. Repeat what they said in your own words. This will help ensure that you understand what they are really saying. The same thing can mean different things to different people. An easy example of this is when a person says “I’ll do this soon.” Soon is generic and can mean different things to different people. A good question to ask would be “What does soon mean to you, two hours, two days or two weeks?” Good communication helps eliminate any assumptions from being made.
What is your emotional reaction when you make a mistake? Do you shame yourself? Do you tell yourself that you’re a horrible person? Do you participate in negative self-talk? We are all imperfect and always growing, learning and evolving. This means that we will inevitably make mistakes. It’s important to remember this and to practice self-compassion. This is hard for a lot of people but gets much easier with practice. I’ve often heard it referred to as a muscle that we need to build! A question to ask yourself is “What advice would you give a friend in this situation and would you offer them compassion and understanding for making a mistake?” You might be surprised when you realize that you are much harder on yourself than you are on other people. Try being kinder to yourself and see how that feels after a while. It will be strange at first, just like any new habit, but will become part of who you are in no time!
Changing your emotional habits will greatly improve your life. Allowing others to view the world differently than you allows you to validate your own experience and also someone else’s. Finding solutions and using communication tools to resolve conflict let you move past this without assigning any meaning to them. Offering yourself compassion when you make a mistake humanizes you. It puts you on the same level as everyone else. Implementing these two habits will feel strange at first because they are not normal for you. With consistent effort though, these habits will form part of your subconscious.
With what emotional reactions do you have trouble? Tell me in the comments below and let me know if you want my perspective! I’d be happy to share!