The truth about why you do the things that you do

Have you ever wondered why you do the things that you do? Why you say the things that you say? Are you conscious and aware of where your thoughts and actions come from and how they impact others or are you like many people and have never really asked yourself these questions. Our behaviours come from our subconscious and require us to dig deep down to find out why we do the things we do.

There’s a famous quote by Mahatma Gandhi:

Your beliefs become your thoughts.
Your thoughts become your words.
Your words become your actions.
Your actions become your habits.
Your habits become your values.
Your values become your destiny.

Your beliefs come from your past experience and conditioning and are originally formed in your childhood years. These are the beliefs you carry into adulthood until you stop and start asking yourself why. They are buried deep in your subconscious. Why do I do the things that I do? What do I subconsciously believe that is causing me to react in such a way? Does this line up with what I actually believe or do I need to change my behaviour to be in line with my values.

Did you have an angry parent? And if you did, are you aware of what this did to your belief system as a child? Children with angry parents believe that they are not worthy of being loved for who they are. They believe that they deserve to be treated in a way that they would never treat others. They believe that in order to receive love, they have to stay silent about their needs because the only needs that matter are those of the parent. They receive love so inconsistently that they begin to “perform” for the parent in order to gain their approval. They believe that in order to receive love, they have to behave in certain ways and accomplish things that are valued by the parent instead of what truly brings them joy. As an adult, they likely struggle with knowing what their needs are and having the courage to speak up for themselves when they are not treated in a way that lines up with their values. They likely people please because subconsciously they think this is how to get people to love them instead of just being themselves.

Maybe you didn’t have an angry parent, but rather your parent was emotionally neglectful. You grew up in a home feeling loved but no one ever taught you about your own needs and your own feelings. Children in these homes grow up completely unaware that they even had needs and how to take care of them. In fact, they aren’t even aware that other people have their own needs and feelings. They were never asked about their opinion so they don’t even realize they have one. They were never encouraged to be their own individual, but rather they were only encouraged to be an extension of their parent. As an adult, they likely struggle with forming lasting and fulfilling relationships because they are not aware that people, including themselves, have needs and feelings, and how to communicate these.

In both of these types of homes, children don’t learn to be aware of how their behaviour affects other people. In the neglectful home, they don’t learn that people have needs and feelings. In the other home, they only learn that other people have needs and feelings but don’t realize that this also includes them. Needs and feelings, both natural in every human being, is never something that is discussed.

I grew up in a home with an angry parent. This shaped who I became as an adult. I strongly believe in equality for all. Upon reflecting back on my life, I realized that even though this is what I believe and value, this was not what my behaviour reflected. Though consciously I believed this, my subconscious had been programmed in my childhood to behave in such a way that I was less than equal and that I didn’t matter as much as others. The brain is designed to watch for danger and protect us from harm. What did this mean for me? It meant that I avoided speaking my truth because doing so caused me emotional harm. So as a child, I learned that in order to protect myself emotionally, I had to do what I was told and say nothing. I had to behave properly and be perfect. I became a perfectionist and a people pleaser. I did not know how to take up space in my own life or how to have a voice. Until one day, the emotional pain of how I was behaving became too much to handle that I started asking myself “why?”.

• Why did I behave in a way that made me less valuable than another person?
• Why did I not speak my truth?
• Why did I stay silent when I had something to say?
• Why did this cause me so much anxiety?
• Why did I accept inconsistent love from people in my life?
• Why did I behave in a way that held me back from being my true self?
• Why did I act in a way that my opinion didn’t matter?
• Why did I avoid people who made me feel uncomfortable?
• Why did I think everything I did had to be perfect?
• Why did I think mistakes were not acceptable?
• And I just kept asking myself the hard questions……

This is what people classify as rock bottom. You cannot experience any more pain, therefore you finally have to stop blaming other people for your pain and start to look at yourself. Start asking yourself these hard questions and start asking yourself why you do the things you do. I believe that you don’t have to hit rock bottom to do this. As long as you are willing to ask yourself the hard questions and understand yourself better, this will improve your life more than you can imagine. Be open to hearing what others have to say and to understanding them. The answers might be really uncomfortable to hear but that’s where growth happens.

What feelings does this bring up for you? Are you behaving in a way that is in line with your values? Do you believe that we are all equal? Do you believe that everyone is important? Do you believe in co-operation with, kindness, understanding, compassion and love for all? Do you treat others how you want to be treated? When someone asks you why you believe what you do because they are trying to understand where you’re coming from, do you get defensive? Are you even able to answer the question? I know that when I was first asked some hard questions about my behaviour, I was dumbfounded. I had no answer for why I did the things I did. It’s because I actually had no idea why. I remember years ago, my therapist asking me one simple question about my stress at work. She said “If you don’t complete the task, or if you say that you don’t have enough capacity to get it done, what do you think is going to happen?” WOW. I realized that I never said no at work and my work had to be perfect. Never in a million years had I even considered that I could let my manager know that I didn’t have enough time to complete all the tasks. I didn’t realize that making a mistake was ok. Did I hold myself to a higher standard than I would those around me? Absolutely. I help myself to the standard of perfection, because I subconsciously believed that I had to be, but that is not possible. Humans are imperfect. We continue to learn and grow throughout our entire life.

The journey of self-discovery is a healing journey that lasts your entire lifetime. We continue to peel back the onion layers as we learn more about ourselves, through reflection and feedback from others, and change to become the person we want to be. The person who is at peace with everything and everyone. The person who knows that they are only here for a short time and are part of something greater. The person who realizes that control doesn’t exist and that everything that is meant to happen will happen.

Where are you on your healing journey? What insights have you discovered about yourself and how have they changed you to become more in line with your true self? What past programming/conditioning have you been able to let go of to become your best self? I want to hear ALL about it in the comments below!